Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
