i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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