Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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