Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Never underestimate the power of titties
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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