Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
FUCK WHALES
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
