I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
