There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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