if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
