My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
