I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
