How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
