why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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