I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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