last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
