i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
