he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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