But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
