If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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