O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
