you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
