I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
