i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
