I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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