A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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