my mouth tastes like poor choices
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
