the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
