Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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