I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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