then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
