how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
