Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Randomize
