high people should be assigned attendants
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
