i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
