i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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