i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
