to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
