Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
