I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
