She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
