That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
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somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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