Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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