wrigley field is MILF paradise
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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