i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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