If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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