New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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