I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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