last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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