I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
