How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
