My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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