How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
