If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
