how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
