I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
