Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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