After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
