I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
