I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
