theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
wow bdsm is so cute
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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